WOW!!!

Well, I was playing around tonight and got so disgusted that I decided to wait until another night or keep working on it after I post. Which ever it is I plan to do I promise I will master this dang thing. If it is the last thing I do. I need to contact my buddy that is into this kind of stuff and see what he can do to help me as I cripple along learning. I do have to admit it is fun though.

Today would be my mama's 96th birthday. This week has been tough. December 3, 1968 was when my daddy died and mom passed away December 5, 2002. I was talking to Terry on the 3rd and I asked him why I can remember that stuff. Of course I didn't really expect an answer from him, I was just needing to talk about it. I think I remember my dad's because it was 3 days before my mom's birthday. Him and I had bought her a set of Avon Charisma perfume. Do you remember that fragerance??? Probably not but mom kept that set on her dresser atop a mirror tray until the day she passed. Dad had kept it at his office to keep her from seeing it. It was like a 5 piece of bright red bottles with little gold emblems on it. She had the spray perfume, powder with the puff in it, lotion, body and hand and I can't remember the other stuff.

My mom's sister Aunt Theodocia (We called her Aunt Ted and do to this day) had came to the services and her and I went to the office to get the present. I remember walking in his door at the courthouse and I could see my daddy sitting at his desk chair and turning around and acknowledging me walking through those doors, just as he had so many times before.

Anyway, we went and picked it up and I do not remember giving mom the present or anything about it. I don't even remember why Aunt Ted knew that the present was there, I must have told her because only my daddy and I knew it. Wow. Not only had my Christmas been blown off the map, so had my mom's birthday. Christmas has always been hard for me and I've stuggled for years trying to make it happy. When I was single with no children it was easy to just make myself numb, however that process would transpire but once I had Josh, my feelings were put on hold and I made it as happy as I could. Still the depression but as I said, Josh was my main focus.

Then everything was turned around and mom passed away the night before her 87th birthday. That last week she was out of her head, so to speak, and she kept repeating the same phrase over and over. "I don't want to repeat history." I figured she meant she didn't want to die on the same day as my dad did but wasn't sure. After she had passed and we were going through her stuff I looked in a strong box that she had important papers in and she had a page from a desk blotter calendar folded up and tucked in the bottom of the strong box. When I pulled it out and looked at it, it was December 1968 and that year along with 2002 fell on the same dates. It was a little creepy, so to speak. I often wonder if that what she meant when she just kept repeating. No, I don't want to repeat history. Who knows, the only one is her and God and I will never know the true story until I retire into the next realm and I plan to ask. :o)

All I have to say is love your mama's and daddy's with all your heart because they won't be with you forever, and after they are gone you can't imagine how much you miss them. It is hard when you loose the one but when the second one leaves you all of a sudden realize, I am an orphan. No matter what the age you are at the time. It is so hard to explain but it is an extremely lonely feeling.

When I went to the Women of Faith Conference they had a clip before every speaker where they were being interviewed and one of the questions that were asked to each and everyone of them is "If you had but one question to ask God when you enter the kingdom, what would that question be?" Sandi Patty's response was the funniest and I still laugh at it. She looked at the interviewer and she said she would have to ask, "What's the deal with cramps???" LOL. Isn't that the truth but today as I was getting ready for work I looked in the mirror and I had a zit coming in on my forehead and I thought to myself. What's the deal with that God???? Here I am 55 years old and I STILL have acne problems. I wash my face every evening and all. I guess I should feel blessed that I still have this going on but seriously???

Woke up this morning to a blanket of snow outside and it has been "spitting" snow all day long. Not much accumulation but cold, cold, cold. Suppose to be down to 18* and it makes me think of the homeless out on the streets. I feel so sorry for them but know they have survival skills more so than myself. One time when i had started going to college and picking up my general education credits at Longview I had to read an article in one of my classes in regards to the homeless and I was talking to mom about how I wish there was something I could do. She said that there has been homeless her entire life and she didn't have the answer. Sometimes when I talk, I don't want an answer really, I just need to unload my heart. Maybe that is why I have always found solice in journaling. There was a small creek that went through our property out in the country and I use to go down there and just journal my thoughts. No matter what they were, I would write them down. I wish I had some of those journals now to read but I don't. I have always journaled but never have any around. I have found writings though around that I have just picked up a piece of paper and just wrote. I like doing it on the computer better though because I don't get writers cramp as bad. Plus Thank you Mrs. Six, my typing teacher in high school who taught me to type. I can type 65-70 wpm to this day. Also thank you to my brother Bill. He bought me a manual Royal Typewriter for me so I could practice. Of course I learned in high school on a manual also. We only had one electric and it was at the front of the class room and you didn't get to use it much. That reminds me that I learned how to sew on a Singer treadle sewing machine at the house. That is all my mom had and when I took Home Ec I didn't really know to much about those fancy electric. Mom didn't let me use the Singer much at home because she was always afraid I'd put the needle through my finger. LOL. That still freaks me out!!!

Well, I'm going to sign off tonight. Not seeking sympathy or anything tonight, just journaling my thoughts but do want to thank you guys for sticking with me. I will write more stuff tomorrow. Good night and may God Bless each of you!!!